The Problem With Story-Matching (And How to Overcome It)

The art of small talk is not easy for some personality types. For other personality types, it’s the long conversations that are difficult.

But one of the patterns of conversation that almost all of us can relate with, or fall into, is story-matching.

When we listen to someone else’s story (the storyteller) and then share a similar experience, we are typically making an effort to connect. This is normal and it’s not necessarily wrong when it is sincere. 

But it can be unhelpful when trying to develop long-lasting deep connections with someone you care about. In a worst-case scenario, the story-matcher tries to best the story-teller. 

“I broke my leg once snow-skiing and the ski patrol had to get me off the mountain. What an experience that was!”

“That’s terrible. I had a similar experience once, but I had to be airlifted to the nearest trauma center. It was real bad. I almost didn’t make it. And, it took hours before my family could find out where thy took me and how bad off I was.”

But even in a better-case scenario, the storyteller still feels unheard and ultimately uncared for. What they hear is, “Enough about you; let’s talk about me.”

Often, we default to this kind of response for lack of knowing what to say to move the conversation forward, and to connect on a deeper, more personal level.

But it won’t take long for the storyteller to clam up and keep things on the surface if we do this. And, after enough experiences of story-matching, they might even begin to avoid story-matchers, even if they do so unconsciously. 

Edward Welch offers some helpful insights in his book, Side by Side, on how to let the storyteller know you are listening, that you care, and how to move the conversation forward into a deeper level of connection.

If we practice the recommended approach consistently, the storyteller will be more likely to open up and tell stories that are harder to share, those more personal and often more painful stories.

We can start by asking meaningful, open-ended questions like, “How are you doing now?”

We can also notice when they use keywords or word pictures, repeatedly, like “weighed down, drowning, darkness, alone, and walking on air.”

We can then follow up with meaningful comments like, “It sounds like skiing is very important to you,” or “You really sound grateful for the ski patrol.” 

Finally, if the story-teller indicates there is trust, we can carefully ask harder questions like, “Something in the way you talked about the ski patrol helping you made it sound like you were embarrassed. Were you feeling ashamed that you needed help?”

And, if all else fails and you’re not sure what to say, you can always ask, “What is most meaningful to you about this?” Or, something like, “What is the hardest part of the problem for you?”

Approaching conversations this way instead of story-matching will serve to remind us just how important the stories of others are and it will help us develop deeper connections with them. 

To this end, a wise man once said, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5).